Name: Three-bedroom former chapel in North Lopham, Norfolk.
Asking price: £490,000.
Features: Underfloor heating, oak flooring, glass balustrading, graveyard.
Sorry, did you just say … Glass balustrading? I did. It’s not a conventional choice of material by any means, but it does mean that you retain an unbroken line of sight across the property.
No, did you just say “graveyard”? Yep. Anyway, if I could just draw your attention towards the double-height reception room, which does give an extraordinary sense of …
There is a graveyard in the front garden? OK, look, if you’re going to be accurate, then yes, there is a graveyard in the front garden. But the house is near some schools with really impressive Ofsted reports; isn’t that more important?
More important than all the dead people rotting away underneath my living room window? Listen, I know it’s not ideal, but our hands are tied. As we quite clearly stated on the Rightmove listing page: “The graveyard to the front of the house is not part of the chapel’s title and remains in the ownership of the Church of England, leasehold for 999 years.”
How long?! I honestly don’t see what the problem is. When you are inside the house, you are not really overlooking the graves because of the layout. It might be that, once a year, on Halloween, it becomes an issue but most people could live with that.
Is that a joke response? No, it is word for word what Emmerson Dutton told the Daily Mail this week. He’s a partner at Bedfords estate agents in Bury St Edmunds, and it is his job it is to actually sell the place.
Oh God. This is why we haven’t been able to sell it since it went on the market in April, isn’t it? This is why we’ve just had to knock £100,000 off the asking price. You people. You all want somewhere nice to live, don’t you? But as soon as 36 long-dead corpses show up in the front garden, you get all squeamish. Well, to hell with you.
I’m afraid the graveyard really is going to be a sticking point. It’s just for 999 years! Come on, you can manage that with some chewable aspirin and a bit of light exercise. Then, as soon as the leasehold is up, you can dig up all those poor people and throw them in the bin. Come on, you’re killing me here.
I’m sorry, it is going to have to be a no. That’s OK, I fully understand. Now, could I interest you in a haunted fairground? Only minimal blood sacrifices were ever performed there. Hello. Hello?!
Do say: “Graves are not a desirable property feature.”
Don’t say: “Except for in London, where they would be rented out as charming studio lets for £2k PCM.”